Being scared of me and loving me all at once…03/04/11

So I have been quiet for the past couple of days, sorry. I have this habit of withdrawing and shutting myself off from the world when I am thinking about things. The past couple of months I have been really considering my position in life, the direction I want to go and weighing up the possibilities. Oh why is it never easy?! I just want someone to tell me what to do. Call it shunning responsibility or being lazy but I just want to be relieved from this seemingly never ending task of planning for the future…

In many ways I know that this is a selfish thought because at least I have possibilities many people in the world do not. Believe me I am incredibly grateful for each and every single opportunity that has presented itself before me, but at the same time I feel completely lost. That’s ok right? In actual fact there is nothing really wrong with where I am at the moment and my main concern is that I am not being as effective as I could be. I hate inefficiency; the thought of me wasting time and not living my life to the absolute fullest turns my stomach.

Anyway the main issue is that I know where I want to be, and I also know that I have the right people in my life positioned to help me get there. But the there is so varied – there are certain ways I do not want to be perceived but where I want to be means that the chances of me being perceived like that are very high.
I know that I am scared of me and in love with me all at the same time. I have also come to the conclusion that it’s alright to feel that way. If your dreaming large enough, the end vision will be scary, but that’s what’s to love right – the possibility. God forbid I become a person who is scared of possibility.

NMx

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About Plantain Periodicals

Hello! Welcome to the Plantain Periodicals blogs. The name stems from the kitchen moments I had with my friends at university cooking plantain and planning our lives together. I have used this space as a window into my mind and the way I make sense of all my experiences through writing.This is where I share those conversations and moments that happen inside my head as a young woman growing up in 21st century London. Hopefully you'll be entertained and also learn a thing or two. My main blog ad: www.nissiknows.wordpress.com My literature blog: www.plantainperiodicals.wordpress.com NMx
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